The nature of love
and conflict

Interesting bullet points about love and conflict from the book, How to Heal a Painful Relationship

 

  1. Love is never enough to have a relationship work
    The divorce courts are full of people who love each other. To have a relationship work, you need to make sure the other person feels loved.
  2. Acceptance and appreciation create the feeling of love
    Notice how you feel when someone genuinely accepts and appreciates you. It feels great. The same thing happens when you accept and appreciate someone else.
  3. You destroy love by being critical and controlling
    Notice how you feel when someone tries to change or control you. You get upset. You put up your walls of protection and become more critical in return. The same thing happens when you are critical or controlling toward someone else.
  4. If a relationship isn't working, there is a cycle of conflict
    Someone gets upset and tries to change or control the other. Then the other person either attacks or withdraws. Then the first person gets even more upset. Then the second person does the same. This cycle of conflict then goes on and on, destroying the love and creating distance.
  5. It only takes one person to end the conflict
    The cycle of conflict is like a tennis volley. It takes two people to keep the volley going. It only takes one person to end it. As soon as someone refuses to return serves, the game is over.
  6. Acceptance is nothing more than surrendering to the truth
    People are the way that they are whether you like it or not. When you are at peace with the truth of the way someone is, you can see what needs to be done. When you fight the truth, you destroy love and make your situation worse.
  7. Each person is 100% responsible for the presence of love
    How you treat the other person determines how that person treats you. At the same time, how the other person treats you determines how you respond to the other. Both of you are 100% responsible for the presence or absence of love.
  8. When you blame, you give that person all your power
    That person is also 100% responsible for love, but so what? When you can’t see your role in the problem, you can’t do anything about it. You become powerless. When you accept your 100%, you get your power back.
  9. Upsets are never caused by what happens
    Upsets are the result of some nerve being triggered. Ultimately, this nerve is the childhood hurt of feeling worthless, not worth loving or some other form of feeling not okay. As you heal this hurt, you become more able to flow with life.
  10. When you get upset, you make your situation worse
    The moment you get upset, you close down inside. You lose your ability to see clearly. You get tunnel vision. All you can do is fight, resist and hang on. This in turn makes your situation worse.
  11. Whatever you resist gets stronger
    If you resist a specific trait in someone, that trait gets bigger. If you resist losing someone, you hang on and push the person away. Whatever you resist gets magnified.
  12. Problem areas of life are never the problem
    When an area of life isn’t working, that area of life is never the problem. It’s the symptom of an underlying condition of resisting or hanging on. Until this underlying condition is addressed, the problem will continue.
  13. Letting go removes resistance
    The moment you let go, you restore your effectiveness. You see your situation clearly and can see what needs to be done. You become creative and resourceful. Instantly, your situation begins to clear up.
  14. We resist and hang on to avoid feeling our hurt
    It seems like we are resisting certain circumstances, but in reality, we are resisting the hurt that our circumstances trigger. As you heal this hurt, the need to resist disappears.
  15. The key to releasing hurt is to feel it willingly
    Little children are masters at healing hurt. This is because they feel their hurt willingly. This willingness allows the hurt to run its course. It comes and then it goes. When you fight the hurt, it can’t release. It then turns into pain and stays.
  16. There are two types of hurt
    There is the hurt of the circumstances and the deeper, childhood hurt of feeling worthless, not good enough or some other form of feeling not okay. It’s the avoidance of this deeper hurt that sabotages our lives.
  17. Healing the deeper hurt is the key to having life work
    Any area of life that doesn’t work can be traced to the automatic, subconscious avoidance of this hurt. Until you find and heal this hurt, you will be forced to repeat the past. Healing this hurt is the most important thing you can ever do.
  18. You can be right or you can have love, but you can’t have both
    When you have to be right, you invalidate the other person and destroy love. When you have love, it doesn’t matter who’s right.
  19. It’s not the other person’s job to make you happy
    When you expect the other person to make you happy, you get upset easily and drain your relationship. When you bring your happiness to the relationship, you empower it.
  20. Be willing to be vulnerable
    When you let down your walls of protection and allow yourself to be vulnerable, you make it safe for the other person to do the same. This allows the love in you to connect with the love in the other person. When this happens, you create a very special relationship.
  21. Resentment destroys love and peace of mind
    Resentment keeps you stuck in the past. It forces you to be defensive and it very powerfully destroys love. Forgiveness restores both your peace of mind and your effectiveness.
  22. Listening is the key to removing distance
    When you listen, you create an environment where people can get their upsets “off their chests.” When this happens, upsets lose power. Distance disappears and love returns.
  23. It is physically impossible to argue with someone that listens
    Any time there is an argument, there are two people pushing their opinion on the other – and no one is listening. The moment someone stops and listens, the argument ends.
  24. To resolve disputes, find solutions that work for everyone
    When you fight to have your side prevail, you put the other person on the defensive and force that person to fight against you. This creates conflict and makes resolving disputes very difficult. To avoid this, look for solutions that work for both of you.


Do you have a painful relationship?

Do you have a painful relationship or an area of life that isn’t working? Would you like to have this area of your life clear up? You can. The best way to do this is to work directly with Bill Ferguson. You can also attend our weekend workshop, Return To The Heart. Give us a call. We can talk about your situation and create a plan of action.

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