Remove distance in any relationship
Removing distance is the key to maintaining love
When you are upset at someone, you can't be with the person. There will be miles of distance between you and the other person. Then you get upset again and create a little more distance. Then you get upset again and create even more. As time goes on, the distance grows and the love gets buried, distance by distance.
Eventually, there is so much distance, it seems like you just don’t love the person anymore, but the love that was present at the height of your relationship hasn’t gone anywhere. It’s just been buried by all the distance.
As this distance grows, the experience of love disappears. You become defensive, critical, and quick to anger. Upsets become more frequent and more severe. This creates more and more distance. Soon the relationship that began as a dream turns into a nightmare.
The biggest killer of relationships is not being at peace with the way the other person is. The second biggest killer of relationships is allowing distance to accumulate. Removing distance is the key to maintaining love. You remove distance by communicating your upsets.
To see how this works, find a time when you were upset at someone and you told the person what you were upset about. You got it off your chest. Notice what happened. The upset went away and more importantly, the distance disappeared and the love returned. This is the key to removing distance.
Pull out the other person's upset
If someone is upset at you, encourage the person to say whatever he or she is upset about. Even if the person is verbally attacking you, don’t fight what the person is saying. Pull it out.
You don't have to like what the person is saying or agree with it. You don’t have to do anything. Just listen. Hear what the person has to say and hear it from that person's point of view. This takes the power out of the other person’s upset. You remove the distance and restore the love.
When you fight what the person is saying, you magnify the upset and keep it from releasing. You argue and fuel the cycle of conflict. You create more upset and more distance.
If someone is trying to push you into doing something that you don’t want to do, listen to what the person has to say. Hear it fully. Then say no if you need to. Develop your ability to be a good listener.
When you are the one who is upset
If you are the one who is upset, the rules change. This is because the other person may not be able to hear what you have to say. If you communicate for the purpose of blaming or trying to change the person, that person will feel threatened. When someone feels threatened, that person will automatically fight your communication.
To avoid this, make sure you communicate in a way that has the other person feel safe. Communicate for the sole purpose of removing distance and restoring love. Don't communicate for the purpose of blaming, attacking, being right, or changing the person.
The best way to communicate do this is to find the hurt that’s under your upset and communicate that. Instead of saying, "What's wrong with you? Why did you do that?," communicate your hurt. "You did what you did and I feel sad and I feel hurt. I feel like you don't love me anymore."
Put the focus on your hurt, not on what the other person did. Besides, it’s your upset. When you blame the other person for your upset, you get to keep it. When you take responsibility for your upset, you can let it go.
The ability to remove distance is the key to maintaining love in your relationships. To learn more about how to remove distance and restore love, get the video course and read the book, How To Heal A Painful Relationship.
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