The underlying conditions
that destroy love
The areas of life that don’t work are not the problem. They are the symptom.
If you have a relationship or any area of life that isn’t working, there will always be an underlying condition that is either creating the problem or destroying your ability to resolve it. Unfortunately, we don't notice that this condition exists. All we notice are the circumstances. He did this and she did that. This happened and that happened. These events are very real, but they are not the problem. They are the symptom.
The real problem is a nerve that is being triggered and the action we take to avoid it. When this nerve gets triggered, we feel threatened. We get tunnel vision and lose our ability to see clearly. We fight, resist, hang on, and withdraw. We destroy love and magnify the problem. Instead of focusing on solutions, the focus is on resisting.
Here is how it works
When you were born, you were pure love, but you were born into a world that suppresses this state. Then you got hurt. You experienced rejection, invalidation, and painful losses of love.
As a little child, the only way you could explain these painful losses of love was to blame yourself. "Clearly I'm the problem." In a moment of hurt, you decided that you were worthless, not good enough, not worth loving, a failure, or some other form of feeling "not okay."
It wasn't the truth that you were this way, but in the eyes of a little child, it became your truth. You then took this a step further and fought the very belief that you created. "Worthless is a horrible way to be." You fought the belief and you fought all the hurt that came with it. From that moment on, the primary, subconscious focus of your life would be to avoid this hurt.
It's the automatic avoidance of this hurt that gets us in trouble. Any circumstance that triggers this hurt is perceived subconsciously as a threat. To avoid this threat, we fight, resist, hang on and withdraw. We destroy love and create lots of suffering.
How we sabotage our relationships
In relationships, these nerves tend to collide. In most situations, this creates a destructive cycle of conflict. Here is an example that demonstrates this:
Let’s say that you and I have a relationship. No matter how wonderful you may be, you will never be wonderful enough to keep my hurt from being triggered. When it does get triggered, I won’t notice that I have a nerve that is being struck. I will only notice what triggered it. YOU!
Subconsciously, I will perceive you as a threat. In an automatic attempt to avoid this threat, I will get defensive and put up my walls of protection. I will become judgmental and act destructively. This then triggers your hurt.
In an automatic attempt to protect yourself from me, you will put up your walls of protection. Then you will become judgmental and critical toward me. Then my hurt gets triggered even more and I become more critical of you. Then you become more critical of me. Then I become more critical toward you.
Without knowing, we create a cycle of conflict, a cycle of hurting, attacking, and withdrawing from each other. This cycle then goes on and on without either person ever noticing his or her role in the conflict.
The problem may seem to be what the other person is doing, but this isn't the problem. This is the symptom. The real problem is the cycle of conflict and the nerves that are fueling it. Fortunately, all of this can be healed.
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